Done Hiding

I have spent most of my adult life trying to protect myself by not sharing my truth and honestly, it is exhausting work. I discussed this in "Another personal growth opportunity" where I asked and then answered my own questions about why I don't share my truth.

I've been mulling this over ever since ... Most of the time I present myself as an accomplished, competent, confident woman, but the truth is that every morning I work hard to make sure that this is the face I present to the world. It exhausts me.

I don't like crying at work, especially when it is not because of something work related … but it has happened more often over the course of the past year than during the 25 previous years. During those times, except for the occasional conference call, I have had my head phones on listening to contemporary Christian songs and when the lyrics touch my heart I can't stop the tears from flowing. If I have to leave my desk I struggle to regain my composure and make sure that there are no trace of tears on my face before I turn to face my co-workers. Of course part of that is because I'm there to work, not interrupt someone else's work by making them worry about my welfare. But the deeper reason is that I don't want to be thought of as weak because I'm crying at work, I don't want anyone to think that I can't handle my own problems. As mentioned before, I work very hard to present myself in a specific light, especially in the professional workplace.

Here is the hard thing for me to admit … I've worked so hard to craft this persona that I seldom take it off … It's what I present to the cashier or sales staff when I'm shopping, it is what I present to my friends and family, it is what my church family sees every Sunday and it is what my son sees more of than the scared, hurting, broken woman I feel like I am … How can he know that it is sometimes necessary to break down sobbing and to cry out to Jesus if he never sees me do it?

Now, I'm not advocating continually presenting myself as a complete hot mess of raw emotions, but that display is what demonstrates to those around me that I have just as many human frailties as everyone else. Showing that humanness is what allows others to tap their own compassions and share their love with others.

In my utopia, there would be no need for these personas because we would all be so full of love that our hearts would never be broken, that we would never disappoint others … but this isn't utopia, this is reality … and the reality is that I will continue to experience heart break and disappointment, and will continue to cause it as well … so I'm done hiding. I accept and embrace my humanness just as I accept and embrace your humanness … none of us are on this journey alone. We may be at different stages of the journey, but we are never alone.