“Wow,
where did this come from??” I thought
as I tucked my child into bed and turned out the light… This being a deep and uncomfortably dark
feeling of intense loneliness.
Having
learned so much about myself over the past year or so, I was caught off guard
by the intensity, however it no longer had a crippling effect on me. I began to analyze what may have triggered it
and eventually concluded that I was feeling hurt after a series of
disappointments and unmet needs – I was being reminded that people let us down,
but God never will.
Armed
with this conclusion, I am starting to find ways to change up my routine and
reassess my needs to ensure that I’m relying on God, not on a man, to meet
those needs. I must say that this is NOT easy, regardless of how simple it may seem.
One
of the hardest conversations that I need to have is one with God … one in which
I am brutally honest about my hurts and my fears and about how deeply I crave the
security of having an earthly companion to help me shoulder some of the
load. Every day the burdens of being a
truly single parent become heavier … perhaps because I have begun to envy the
fact that my child’s other parent has a partner. Yes, it sometimes seems incredibly unfair,
until I realize that they are human and have their own unique set of problems
too. I don’t want their life, I love
mine … I just want someone to share it with.
I
know I’m not the first, nor will I be the last, person to have experienced this
profound empty, lonely feeling. I also
know that this will only last as long as I allow myself to stay here. It is kind of like walking through a tunnel –
if you decide to take up residence in the middle of the tunnel, the darkness is
perpetual and pervasive … However, if you pick up your stuff and trudge on
eventually you will emerge into the open, airy space beyond and feel the warmth
of the sun once again.
This
thought hit very close to home as it became clear that I had, without realizing
it, made the middle of this tunnel my home.
It’s time to pack up and head out, reminding myself frequently that baby
steps are still steps … Just keep moving!
