My tunnel

“Wow, where did this come from??” I thought as I tucked my child into bed and turned out the light…  This being a deep and uncomfortably dark feeling of intense loneliness.

Having learned so much about myself over the past year or so, I was caught off guard by the intensity, however it no longer had a crippling effect on me.  I began to analyze what may have triggered it and eventually concluded that I was feeling hurt after a series of disappointments and unmet needs – I was being reminded that people let us down, but God never will.

Armed with this conclusion, I am starting to find ways to change up my routine and reassess my needs to ensure that I’m relying on God, not on a man, to meet those needs.  I must say that this is NOT easy, regardless of how simple it may seem.

One of the hardest conversations that I need to have is one with God … one in which I am brutally honest about my hurts and my fears and about how deeply I crave the security of having an earthly companion to help me shoulder some of the load.  Every day the burdens of being a truly single parent become heavier … perhaps because I have begun to envy the fact that my child’s other parent has a partner.  Yes, it sometimes seems incredibly unfair, until I realize that they are human and have their own unique set of problems too.  I don’t want their life, I love mine … I just want someone to share it with.

I know I’m not the first, nor will I be the last, person to have experienced this profound empty, lonely feeling.  I also know that this will only last as long as I allow myself to stay here.  It is kind of like walking through a tunnel – if you decide to take up residence in the middle of the tunnel, the darkness is perpetual and pervasive … However, if you pick up your stuff and trudge on eventually you will emerge into the open, airy space beyond and feel the warmth of the sun once again.

This thought hit very close to home as it became clear that I had, without realizing it, made the middle of this tunnel my home.  It’s time to pack up and head out, reminding myself frequently that baby steps are still steps … Just keep moving!