New Year's Eve ~ No More Resolutions

I have seen studies that show a mere 8% of people, approximately, who make New Year's resolutions keep them.  I have tried the whole "My resolution this year is to eat more broccoli" approach and it lasts about 2 weeks … then I can't stand to look at one more piece of broccoli so, rather than switching to carrots or anything other than broccoli, I just quit all together.  I enjoy eating vegetables, so it shouldn't be a hard resolution to keep … until I get bored.  Broccoli can only be prepared so many ways before my brain just starts saying "Not a chance in Hades woman!" Why?  It might come down to the definition of Resolve, to settle or find a solution to (a problem, dispute, or contentious matter).  Making a resolution causes a person to focus on what he or she perceives as a problem, something broken that needs to be ‘fixed’ … that feels a little negative to me.  Intention, on the other hand, is defined as a aim or purpose … definitely feels more positive to me.

The challenges I have faced since January 1, 2014 have taught me that life changes on a dime and whatever resolve we had at the beginning of the year might totally unravel, or become completely irrelevant when that change occurs.  My 2014 resolution was to become physically healthier … so I bought a new treadmill just days before learning that my marriage was essentially over.  My focus had to shift from my physical health to my mental and emotional health for my son's sake.  If I couldn't find a way to get my rage under control it would have been incredibly detrimental to both me and my son.  Thus my 2014 resolution faded into the sunset.  This lead to a beautiful path of self-discovery that may not have occurred otherwise.  I experienced incredible spiritual growth and maturity, a level I did not know existed until that shift occurred.  Ultimately, though, my resolution evaporated.

It was during 2014 that I decided to stop making a New Year resolution and focus on my intentions instead.  In 2015 I intentionally worked to build stronger relationships with friends and family.  I was also intentional about continuing to deepen my relationship with God.  I experienced some setbacks and challenges along the way.  Taking over as the facilitator of our little Bible study group was one of those challenges, but it was another chance to be intentional in building relationships.  I was blessed to build lasting friendships with amazing people who stood by me when 2016 brought me the hardest physical challenge I've had to date.  Living with this purpose, to form and culture these relationships, was very natural and organic.

In 2016 I “forgot” the difference between resolution and intention.  I made a resolution to … oh, how shall I say this … finally lose the baby belly?  My son was born 8 years ago and apparently that pregnancy caused my weight distribution to change drastically.  I hate everything about it ~ which is a story for another time.  In January, we adopted our dog, Abby, from the humane society.  I started walking with her daily and I started eating a little bit healthier diet - nothing crazy, just changes I figured I could stick with.  By April I found that I was still bothered by allergies, but my asthma attacks were not as severe.  By June was I walking several blocks without feeling any fatigue.  Major plus … I was starting to feel like I could pull this resolution off!  Then July 28^th happened and my life was turned on its head.  I suffered a bilateral patellar tendon rupture while running in a relay race ~ this, also, is a story for another day.  Surgery to reattach both tendons was performed the next day and I've been recovering ever since.  The entire last half of 2016 has been spent focused on relearning things like how to walk as well as rebuilding quad strength and over all stability.  I guess it is safe to say that I remained focused on my physical health … it just wasn't what I had resolved to change.

For 2017, I'm going to switch back to being intentional and specific.  My aim for 2017 is to walk up and down stairs at a normal pace with a normal gait.  I have already worked with my physical therapy team to create a home exercise plan that will help me achieve this goal.  If I my overall physical health improves in the process, AWESOME, however I am going to live with the intention of regaining strength and stability instead of resolve to fix what I perceive as broken.  I am motivated and determined … and if it is God's will, I can NOT fail.

What about you?  Will you try to live with resolve or will you choose to live with intention in the coming year?

May your New Year be blessed.

A Christmas Blessing

The house was quiet and felt empty as I wandered through the kitchen to let the dog out this morning.  Honestly, if I didn’t have the dog I think I may have just stayed in bed feeling … I think the best word to describe it is ‘hollow’.  I tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t shut my brain off, so I decided that staying in bed wasn’t in the cards for me this Christmas morning.

I had planned to attend the Presbyterian Church on Christmas Eve instead, but the same whisper that guided me to Celebrate Church (my church home) last night guided me to my “adopted” church home this morning.  Even at Celebrate I try to sit away from other people – (see my entry Relationships, Fishing Tips and the Extroverted Introvert) – so I found an empty row and sat down.

I stopped attending services at the Presbyterian Church back in 2005 because I no longer felt like I belonged there – a story for another time.  As I sat, watching the pews fill up, a familiar woman approached me.  I remembered her from those earlier days – she was one of the only members that always made me feel welcome there.  She gave me a hug and told me she was glad I was there – time had not changed her warmth!

I have been a fan of Cloverton’s “A ‘Hallelujah’ Christmas” since the first time I heard it and there have been times that I have just looped it on my playlist.  For as many times as I have heard it, I have never been moved to tears … until hearing it covered live today while the offering was being collected.  The power and raw emotion it was performed with wove its way through the rubble of the walls around my heart that I have been working on deconstructing for some time now and the tears that were left over from the previous evening found their way down my cheeks.  I had seen a preview of this cover in a Facebook video – but it paled in comparison to hearing it performed live.

When I attend a different church, after service is over, I usually try to make a quiet exit.  Today, however, I stayed and chatted with one of my good friends and her family for a while … I even went into their Fellowship Hall, though not for very long.  As I stepped out of the church doors it started to rain.  It seemed strangely fitting since it really doesn’t “feel” like Christmas to me, even after two church services and singing my favorite Christmas songs.  I slowly walked to my car, cogitating on the rhythm of the rain drops and began to think about church families.  As a follower of Christ, having a church home is important, however we are all part of a much larger family.  Being part of a church family is not limited to just those who attend the same church or belong to the same denomination.  Matthew 18:20 tells us that “where two or more are gathered in my name, there I am also”.  I love my church home and am thankful for everyone there as well as those from my “adopted” church home.

Not feeling alone when you physically are alone is an awesome Christmas gift … it was my Christmas Blessing today!

Christmas Eve Edition … Everyone Needs a Rainbow Poop Pillow

Being a co-parent is a mixed blessing.  My son, Mr. Man, has the benefit of two families that love him … blessing.  I get the quiet time that I crave when he is spending time with his dad … blessing.  I sometimes feel incredibly lonely when the house is as quiet as it is right now … not a blessing. 

This year Mr. Man was with me until about dinner time on Christmas Eve and he had a friend over until late afternoon.  Laughter filled the house as the two of them opened and played with the gifts from my side of the family.  I just sat back and smiled, knowing that the house would be eerily quiet too soon.  Mr. Man asked me why there were so many presents under the tree for other people … “Because it makes me feel good to give to others.”  He looked at me and said “Mom, I didn’t know what to get you, I hope that’s ok.”  I responded “of course that’s ok.  I get to spend time with you and couldn’t hope for more.”, he hugged me and went off to play again.

I dropped Mr. Man off at his dad’s place on my way to the Christmas Eve church service.  Before I left, Mr. Man handed me a rainbow poop emoji pillow, gave me a big hug and wished me a Merry Christmas.  I love my child & have the pillow sitting beside me as I type.  As I was leaving the apartment complex I noticed how pretty the pine trees across the street looked.  It was dusk and the light was dwindling quickly, so I stopped and took a couple of pictures.  I had planned to attend the Christmas Eve service at the Presbyterian church just up the street and then attend the Sunday service at my church – but I heard a whisper “You need to be with friends tonight” so I went to my church instead.  Pastor John delivered an interesting spin on the Christmas story by referencing Snow White, Cinderella & Frozen … but I got it … Once upon a time the Savior came to rescue me!  Every time Pastor John said “Cinderella” I heard “Minderella” (not sure when it started, but I have a friend who calls me Minderella occasionally) and it made me smile.  We concluded the service with communion & singing Silent Night. 

As I was leaving church I suddenly felt very sad and felt tears begin to fall.  What was this all about???  I held back the tears during the drive home.  Once my car was safely in the garage I began sobbing uncontrollably and just let myself cry while trying to process what had happened between communion and my car.  Being alone on a normal weekend doesn’t faze me much, however being alone and coming home to an empty house on a holiday still has an impact.  Then I remembered, as I was leaving the sanctuary I noticed one of my friends in tears and after verifying that the service just moved her I gave her a hug and left.  It was shortly after that when the wave of sadness hit me hard!  I guess the catharsis of my tears was necessary because I feel very calm now.  I can’t help but smile when I look at my new pillow too!!

If there is one thought I want to leave you with it is that being alone & feeling lonely can be tough to cope with, especially on a holiday.  Let yourself cry when you need to but don’t let yourself stay in that sadness for long … find something, like a rainbow poop pillow, that makes you smile and remember to look at it every now and then.

Christmas blessings to you all