Done Hiding

I have spent most of my adult life trying to protect myself by not sharing my truth and honestly, it is exhausting work. I discussed this in "Another personal growth opportunity" where I asked and then answered my own questions about why I don't share my truth.

I've been mulling this over ever since ... Most of the time I present myself as an accomplished, competent, confident woman, but the truth is that every morning I work hard to make sure that this is the face I present to the world. It exhausts me.

I don't like crying at work, especially when it is not because of something work related … but it has happened more often over the course of the past year than during the 25 previous years. During those times, except for the occasional conference call, I have had my head phones on listening to contemporary Christian songs and when the lyrics touch my heart I can't stop the tears from flowing. If I have to leave my desk I struggle to regain my composure and make sure that there are no trace of tears on my face before I turn to face my co-workers. Of course part of that is because I'm there to work, not interrupt someone else's work by making them worry about my welfare. But the deeper reason is that I don't want to be thought of as weak because I'm crying at work, I don't want anyone to think that I can't handle my own problems. As mentioned before, I work very hard to present myself in a specific light, especially in the professional workplace.

Here is the hard thing for me to admit … I've worked so hard to craft this persona that I seldom take it off … It's what I present to the cashier or sales staff when I'm shopping, it is what I present to my friends and family, it is what my church family sees every Sunday and it is what my son sees more of than the scared, hurting, broken woman I feel like I am … How can he know that it is sometimes necessary to break down sobbing and to cry out to Jesus if he never sees me do it?

Now, I'm not advocating continually presenting myself as a complete hot mess of raw emotions, but that display is what demonstrates to those around me that I have just as many human frailties as everyone else. Showing that humanness is what allows others to tap their own compassions and share their love with others.

In my utopia, there would be no need for these personas because we would all be so full of love that our hearts would never be broken, that we would never disappoint others … but this isn't utopia, this is reality … and the reality is that I will continue to experience heart break and disappointment, and will continue to cause it as well … so I'm done hiding. I accept and embrace my humanness just as I accept and embrace your humanness … none of us are on this journey alone. We may be at different stages of the journey, but we are never alone.

a bit more patience please...

As I spent the better part of 7 hours on Valentine's Day constructing an amazing 845 piece Lego creation with my son, I realized that in my last blog post about patience I only looked at what I found to be lacking.  If I'm going to be fair during this self-assessment, I need to acknowledge and appreciate the parts of my life where I think I'm full of patience. Patience fills me as I watch the Lego Movie for the 3rd time on a Saturday, or listen to the same commentary on the same video every night for a week. 

The more I think about this, it is more about enduring what is while waiting for what is to come.  Part of that is accepting that my time-table means very little in the grand scheme of things.  Just because I am frustrated that I don't understand why the timing is the way it is doesn't mean that I'm supposed to just sit there and wait for the time to pass ... When I begin to feel impatient I start to dig into why I feel as I do.  Often, the deeper I dig, the more patience I am filled with.  It isn't instant, I don't think it is supposed to be.  These moments of impatience bring with them moments of self-discovery and deepened awareness.

We are all imperfect in our humanness, so we are each bound to disappoint others - often the people we care most about.  Not only should we be patient with each other, but we should show ourselves the same gentleness.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Careful now, your patience is showing …

As most of you know, I last year I embarked on a journey of self-discovery and personal growth.  Throughout this journey I have walked gracefully, stumbled and fallen, trudged up hills, careened down hills and, occasionally, crashed into walls.  I have made a fair share of mistakes, incorrect assumptions, as well as had misplaced anger … I have also made beautiful discoveries, about myself, about others, about humanity as a whole.


Last Sunday, as I listened to the message at church, I cried.  This isn't the first time.  To be perfectly honest, at times I feel as if Pastor Keith has been looking directly into my heart when he has spoken.  This particular message was about love … 1 Corinthians 14:1 "Make LOVE your greatest aim!"  In the end, God isn't going to look at how much we accomplished in our lives, He isn't going to look at how we lived, He is going to look at how we loved.


As I started to ponder just how any of us really understand how we love, Pastor Keith relayed a story of what his dad had said to him.  Read through 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 "Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  Love is not rude.  It is not self-seeking.  Love is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love rejoices in the truth.  Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails."  Cross out every reference to love & replace it with your name … So that verse would go something like this for me:


Mindy is patient
Mindy is kind
Mindy does not envy
Mindy does not boast
Mindy is not proud
Mindy is not rude
Mindy is not self-seeking
Mindy is not easily angered
Mindy keeps no record of wrongs
Mindy does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth
Mindy always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Mindy never fails


Armed with this checklist, as I start my self-assessment I am starting out at a deficit … Mindy is patient??  No … I have a lot of work to do in this department.
So, more why questions …
Why can I not just relax and let things unfold?
Why do I feel that I need answers to my questions right away?


I don't think I'm a control freak, but every time I ponder these particular questions I almost always come back to the word "control".  I have struggled with this my entire life.  My fear of the unknown, whether it is waiting for test results or playing a guessing game of where I stand in a relationship because I'm too scared to ask, definitely triggers an "out of control" feeling.  Most of the time I go about my business and everything is ok … and then it happens.


In the grand scheme of things, these episodes generally only last about a week, sometimes two, and are relatively infrequent … however, when they hit, they hit HARD!  My thoughts begin racing, spinning every possible scenario over and over, apparently trying to find and fixate on the 'worst case' scenario.  My better judgment takes a back seat as words fly out of either my mouth or off my fingers … My stomach begins to churn and my heart feels like it is going to crawl out of my throat.  I pray to calm my thoughts and exercise to reduce the anxiety, but just when I think I'm "ok" it starts over.  It is almost as if someone is pressing the rewind button, stepping back and laughing with maniacal glee as I fall apart again.


I know I'm not the only one who experiences this, and I've heard countless times "relax" and "just let it go" … But the HOW is not as clear cut, because as a human being I'm in a constant struggle with my will and God's will.  Maybe the process of letting it go is just that … a process.  Maybe it requires a conscious effort to, well, not care.  At least until there is something to care about.


This will probably be a lifelong learning/relearning process … but while I work on that, I think I'll mull over the rest of the checklist...

Another personal growth opportunity...

Originally published as a note on Facebook on February 7, 2015

My plans for the evening, well, to be fair I had asked “Hey, do you want to hang out with me tonight or do you already have plans?” type of thing, didn’t happen the way I had hoped.  When he didn’t get back to me I, to be perfectly honest, felt disappointed and hurt.  I found out later that he had fallen asleep, he didn’t plan on falling asleep, and didn’t know he had until he woke up … yes, I’ve been there before … but it didn’t take the sting of disappointment away – and now I also felt the awkward embarrassment of having incorrectly assumed and accused him of blowing me off.

I started reading an article online and read something that seemed to cause all motion and activity around me to suspend for several seconds … “… sharing your truth will never hurt you.” … and further on I found “If you fear loss, ultimately you lose your sense of self” … SHIT (excuse the expletive, but I just had a monumental break through)!  I have yet to uncover why, but in almost every relationship I’ve been in I have continually been afraid that I would lose the other person…

This fear causes me to not share my truth.  It also causes me to change my values and attitudes to fit the mold of the woman I believe my partner desires … I don’t know when or how it happens, but it does.  In looking back at my life, starting with my first marriage, it has happened in 4 of the last 5 relationships … I would like to note that sometimes it takes a long time for this to happen … my first marriage lasted 7 years, the second one lasted 8 years and we were together for 4 years before that … with duration of the 3 other relationships ranging from 3 months to 5 years

The biggest piece of my puzzle is that I keep losing my sense of self.  I make myself an option rather than a priority in my own life … and, again, I’m left wondering why … lots of why questions, like

Q:  Why am I afraid to share my truth?
A:  I believe this fear actually stems from a fear of being rejected or not accepted.  If I tell someone how I feel or where I see our relationship going and they respond to me honestly, on one level I’m prepared for their truth, but on another level I fear their truth.  It has been very hard for me to remember that their truth is not a reflection on me, it is simply their truth … just as my truth is not a reflection on them.

Q:  Why do I assume that I’m being blown off or ignored?
A:  Perhaps this is a projection of the fear I feel when I don’t know where I stand in a relationship … it is an uncomfortable feeling that is created when neither of us have shared our truth and I’m afraid to ask.  Or, perhaps this is actually a side effect of my being impatient.  I struggle with the concept of turning whatever it is over to God and trusting that He has it under control.  Sounds like a very strange thing, doesn’t it, to believe so strongly in God, but then find it difficult to trust Him?

Q:  Why am I willing to put my plans on hold waiting to see what the other person is going to do?
A:  This is not a recent development in my personality … I do have a relatively flexible schedule, even at night … I don’t belong to any clubs or participate in any activities.  I am excited that I will begin attending a Life Group through our church because I need to surround myself with people who are also on a quest to study God’s word.

Things get really frustrating and confusing and as I continue to learn more about my puzzle, there are some things that I do know:

I know that I am … God's child
I am … a mother
I am … a gloriously flawed human being
I am … a survivor
I am … strong and determined
I am … independent
I am … stubborn
I am … a poet
I am … a pictorial historian
I am … filled with love, compassion and grace

Balancing Act

Originally published as a note on Facebook on January 27, 2015

I have loved this bible verse since I first read it:


Colossians 3:12-14New Living Translation (NLT)
12 Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. 13 Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. 14 Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony.


It serves as a human interaction guide for me. I seem to frequently miss the mark on humility and patience, but I am filled with compassion (aka tenderhearted mercy), kindness and gentleness … Unfortunately, this often causes me to become emotionally hurt easily. I have been feeling incredibly blessed recently, so have been trying to find random things to do that might help to make other people’s lives a little easier. Occasionally those random acts of kindness have been misinterpreted, and while that doesn’t happen often, it really hurts when my motives are questioned.


Here is where the balancing act comes in …


Proverbs 4:23New Living Translation (NLT)
23 Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.


There are been many times throughout my lifetime that I have opened the door wide to being hurt because I didn’t remember to set healthy boundaries … if I had remembered this, perhaps those random acts of kindness would not have been misinterpreted. I tend to approach life from a “how would I feel if someone did this for (or to) me??” perspective … maybe I need to switch it up and approach life from a “how will this be interpreted” perspective. BUT, that could lead to a plethora of missed opportunities to do good in someone else’s life because I’m afraid of how it will be interpreted … It’s probably the leading reason that I don’t tell myself or others NO as often as I should, whether it’s feeding the neighborhood kids unexpectedly or pulling together a report that is clearly outside of my job requirements.


I’m clearly a work in progress and I have no control over how others feel about me or interpret my actions and motives … I do, however, have control over how I react … this is where the “Guard your heart” really comes into play. I spend too much time dwelling on hurt feelings when I really need to forgive myself and others, then move past it. I’m not about to stop doing nice things, like paying for someone else’s groceries or picking up the tab for the guy behind me in drive through … but I do need to guard my heart by asking God “how could this potentially cause me emotional pain further down the road”.