Another personal growth opportunity...

Originally published as a note on Facebook on February 7, 2015

My plans for the evening, well, to be fair I had asked “Hey, do you want to hang out with me tonight or do you already have plans?” type of thing, didn’t happen the way I had hoped.  When he didn’t get back to me I, to be perfectly honest, felt disappointed and hurt.  I found out later that he had fallen asleep, he didn’t plan on falling asleep, and didn’t know he had until he woke up … yes, I’ve been there before … but it didn’t take the sting of disappointment away – and now I also felt the awkward embarrassment of having incorrectly assumed and accused him of blowing me off.

I started reading an article online and read something that seemed to cause all motion and activity around me to suspend for several seconds … “… sharing your truth will never hurt you.” … and further on I found “If you fear loss, ultimately you lose your sense of self” … SHIT (excuse the expletive, but I just had a monumental break through)!  I have yet to uncover why, but in almost every relationship I’ve been in I have continually been afraid that I would lose the other person…

This fear causes me to not share my truth.  It also causes me to change my values and attitudes to fit the mold of the woman I believe my partner desires … I don’t know when or how it happens, but it does.  In looking back at my life, starting with my first marriage, it has happened in 4 of the last 5 relationships … I would like to note that sometimes it takes a long time for this to happen … my first marriage lasted 7 years, the second one lasted 8 years and we were together for 4 years before that … with duration of the 3 other relationships ranging from 3 months to 5 years

The biggest piece of my puzzle is that I keep losing my sense of self.  I make myself an option rather than a priority in my own life … and, again, I’m left wondering why … lots of why questions, like

Q:  Why am I afraid to share my truth?
A:  I believe this fear actually stems from a fear of being rejected or not accepted.  If I tell someone how I feel or where I see our relationship going and they respond to me honestly, on one level I’m prepared for their truth, but on another level I fear their truth.  It has been very hard for me to remember that their truth is not a reflection on me, it is simply their truth … just as my truth is not a reflection on them.

Q:  Why do I assume that I’m being blown off or ignored?
A:  Perhaps this is a projection of the fear I feel when I don’t know where I stand in a relationship … it is an uncomfortable feeling that is created when neither of us have shared our truth and I’m afraid to ask.  Or, perhaps this is actually a side effect of my being impatient.  I struggle with the concept of turning whatever it is over to God and trusting that He has it under control.  Sounds like a very strange thing, doesn’t it, to believe so strongly in God, but then find it difficult to trust Him?

Q:  Why am I willing to put my plans on hold waiting to see what the other person is going to do?
A:  This is not a recent development in my personality … I do have a relatively flexible schedule, even at night … I don’t belong to any clubs or participate in any activities.  I am excited that I will begin attending a Life Group through our church because I need to surround myself with people who are also on a quest to study God’s word.

Things get really frustrating and confusing and as I continue to learn more about my puzzle, there are some things that I do know:

I know that I am … God's child
I am … a mother
I am … a gloriously flawed human being
I am … a survivor
I am … strong and determined
I am … independent
I am … stubborn
I am … a poet
I am … a pictorial historian
I am … filled with love, compassion and grace