As most of you know, I last year I embarked on a journey of self-discovery and personal growth. Throughout this journey I have walked gracefully, stumbled and fallen, trudged up hills, careened down hills and, occasionally, crashed into walls. I have made a fair share of mistakes, incorrect assumptions, as well as had misplaced anger … I have also made beautiful discoveries, about myself, about others, about humanity as a whole.
Last Sunday, as I listened to the message at church, I cried. This isn't the first time. To be perfectly honest, at times I feel as if Pastor Keith has been looking directly into my heart when he has spoken. This particular message was about love … 1 Corinthians 14:1 "Make LOVE your greatest aim!" In the end, God isn't going to look at how much we accomplished in our lives, He isn't going to look at how we lived, He is going to look at how we loved.
As I started to ponder just how any of us really understand how we love, Pastor Keith relayed a story of what his dad had said to him. Read through 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. Love is not rude. It is not self-seeking. Love is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love rejoices in the truth. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." Cross out every reference to love & replace it with your name … So that verse would go something like this for me:
Mindy is patient
Mindy is kind
Mindy does not envy
Mindy does not boast
Mindy is not proud
Mindy is not rude
Mindy is not self-seeking
Mindy is not easily angered
Mindy keeps no record of wrongs
Mindy does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth
Mindy always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Mindy never fails
Armed with this checklist, as I start my self-assessment I am starting out at a deficit … Mindy is patient?? No … I have a lot of work to do in this department.
So, more why questions …
Why can I not just relax and let things unfold?
Why do I feel that I need answers to my questions right away?
I don't think I'm a control freak, but every time I ponder these particular questions I almost always come back to the word "control". I have struggled with this my entire life. My fear of the unknown, whether it is waiting for test results or playing a guessing game of where I stand in a relationship because I'm too scared to ask, definitely triggers an "out of control" feeling. Most of the time I go about my business and everything is ok … and then it happens.
In the grand scheme of things, these episodes generally only last about a week, sometimes two, and are relatively infrequent … however, when they hit, they hit HARD! My thoughts begin racing, spinning every possible scenario over and over, apparently trying to find and fixate on the 'worst case' scenario. My better judgment takes a back seat as words fly out of either my mouth or off my fingers … My stomach begins to churn and my heart feels like it is going to crawl out of my throat. I pray to calm my thoughts and exercise to reduce the anxiety, but just when I think I'm "ok" it starts over. It is almost as if someone is pressing the rewind button, stepping back and laughing with maniacal glee as I fall apart again.
I know I'm not the only one who experiences this, and I've heard countless times "relax" and "just let it go" … But the HOW is not as clear cut, because as a human being I'm in a constant struggle with my will and God's will. Maybe the process of letting it go is just that … a process. Maybe it requires a conscious effort to, well, not care. At least until there is something to care about.
This will probably be a lifelong learning/relearning process … but while I work on that, I think I'll mull over the rest of the checklist...
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