What is it like to be in a tornado - an emotional twist

Today I ran across a writing prompt that banged around in my mind like a super ball that was bounced with a bit too much force.  "What would it be like to be in a tornado?"  I use the word tornado to describe a number of things, the way certain rooms in my house look at any given time, the chaos on my desk and more often a mix of the swirling emotions and thoughts that I live with almost daily.  Very seldom do I use the word tornado in relation to a natural disaster!

We have all seen the devastation caused when a tornado touches down.  I remember driving past the town of Barneveld, WI after the June 8, 1984 F5 tornado took the lives of 9 people and destroyed about 90 percent of the town.  I've never seen that kind of destruction, before or since.  I was going to try to imagine what it would be like to be in a weaker tornado, yet every time I started to write my mind would shift to my ever swirling emotions … I guess some people call them mood swings.  I have always been highly emotional and, while better able to control my expression of emotions now, I am still a highly emotional person.

This past December I wrote that I suspect that I am an empath.  I had a meeting with my family doctor yesterday to discuss a very long list of … I think I will call them 'quirks' and I'm now waiting for a subsequent screening to be set up.  When the time is right I'm sure I will share more about that.  Right now, though, I want to focus on what the doctor's reaction was when I closed my list with "and I think I am an empath".  He didn't hesitate before saying, most people who are wired differently are able to pick up on things others can't, much like dogs do. WAIT, did he just compare me with a dog?  I love dogs and, honestly, yeah, it is like that...  With the exception of my therapist, I have never felt as understood by a physician as I did in that moment.  I decided to write about this emotional tornado because I experienced one today. 

For several weeks, I have been praying for a specific person and at one point, without knowing what this person was experiencing, I asked God to allow me to take on at least part of their pain, freeing them to cope with other aspects of their situation.  I have dealt with the pain and darkness associated with depression throughout my life, and more recently, the pain associated with injury and illness.  I'm not saying that I am extraordinary in any way, shape or form … I am saying that I am not afraid of it; that my faith was, is and will always be, stronger than any darkness depression or injuries have thrown at me.  In retrospect, my prayer may have been a lot on the impulsive side, I also think that God would not answer a prayer He knew I was not able to ‘handle’, with His help … Please note that I am not saying you should pray a similar prayer, I’m just sharing it because I believe it provides context to what I experienced today.  Today I felt several bursts of what I can only describe as profound sadness throughout the day.  These bursts seemed to come out of nowhere and vanish as quickly … my mind would be tossed into chaos with thoughts that made no sense.  I had an image of train cars being picked up from my thought tracks and being hurled at each other by the wrath of Zeus.  Each time the cars would crash my tears would intensify, my stomach twisting tightly.  Then the storm would abruptly stop as a stillness settled over me.  With each storm, I felt increasingly drained, yet oddly energized.  By the end of the day, though, I did not think I could bear another storm.  Was this the answer to the prayers I have been sending up?  Is this what the other peron has been experiencing?  The unceasing winds, swirling raw emotions and tornado of thoughts all coming together as a dark and ominous storm?  As if in answer to my questions, I heard a very faint, distant voice utter one word "Yes".  I had only prayed for a part of their pain to be transferred to me, I can scarcely fathom the intensity of that storm full force.  This experience humbles me.

That I was able to work during these tornadoes and storms still puzzles me, but I continued to work as though nothing was happening with my emotions.  I wish I had answers … I wish I could say, with complete certainty that my prayers for this person are being answered.  I am leaning heavily on my faith that God will answer my prayers, which will now include increased strength for my own emotional stability to help me weather future storms that may come during this healing process.  I want to learn more about how this empathic ability plays a part, as the thought had persisted through each storm I experienced.  If I have this connection to feel what the other person feels, at least emotionally, would it then be possible to use that same connection to help them cope with whatever he/she may be facing?

I am left with more questions than answers … but my goal with this writing was not to find or provide answers.  My goal tonight was to describe what I think it is like to be in a tornado.  Train cars being picked up from my thought tracks and being hurled at each other by the wrath of Zeus and ending as abruptly as it began.

Disconnected

I started to feel sad today, I had no reason to feel sad … it sometimes settles over me like a blanket.  Instead of pushing it off, or challenging it as I normally would, today I just sat and stared out my window … contemplating the colors in nature and why we say things like "I'm in a blue mood" … blue is a calming color …  So, why is it that blue is frequently associated with sadness?  Perhaps because we associate blue with rain.  I read that, in Greek mythology, Zeus would make rain when he was sad.

I love the colors purple and blue, in that order.  I love the way both deep purples and blues enhance the color of my eyes, so I wear those colors often.  I have loved these colors since I was a young girl, long before I knew anything of color psychology.  The psychology of color is interesting to me.  Purple combines the calm stability of blue and the fierce energy of red and is said to be associated with nobility, creativity, wisdom, dignity, devotion, peace, mystery, independence and magic.  Blue is said to be associated with trust, truth, loyalty, wisdom, confidence, intelligence, faith and spirituality … even heaven.  The color purple is well suited to my personality … a beautiful mix of calm stability and fierce energy that feeds my quest for spiritual growth and creativity.  I have also read that blue is ‘nostalgic’. It is a color that lives in the past, relating everything in the present and the future to experiences in the past.  This fits into my personality as well … though I am taking steps to stop trying to live in the past and live in the moment.

As I sat in quiet contemplation it dawned on me that I started feeling sad after I disconnected from a conference call.  It slowly registered, deep in my soul, that over the past several months I have felt as if I had been disconnected from something, or someone, significant.  Like the ocean, ever moving, the tides of emotions ebb and flow.  Less than two weeks ago I felt strong and powerful … and now I feel as if I have been disconnected from whatever had inspired me to feel strong.  I feel … lonely … maybe?  I am used to being alone, I actually enjoy being alone most of the time … this is different.  Is this lonely feeling an inherent part of feeling disconnected??  Maybe?  This is the point where the previous version of myself would have stalled and just let the waves crash over me.  Briefly, I admit, I was tempted to turn back to the past … a place I no longer belong.  I feel as though I can't move forward yet either.  So … … there must something in this moment that I need to pay closer attention to.  Isaiah is becoming one of my favorite books of the Bible … I just happened across this verse:  Isaiah 43:2 "When you go through deep waters, I will be with you."  Maybe, in this moment, all I can do is wait … to do nothing … to just simply be, have faith that He is with me and find the beauty in this moment.  I preach it often enough, perhaps I should begin to put it into practice.

If you find yourself feeling disconnected … take a moment to reflect.  Maybe you, too, just need to wait, have faith and find the beauty in the moment.

Be blessed

Finding Peace while Overwhelmed

In 2014 I had begun the process of unpacking metaphorical baggage and leaving the past where it belongs, in the past.  At some point, I guess I stopped doing that and got comfortable.  Though imperceptible to me, the progress I had made began to unravel and old insecurities slowly returned.  Over the course of the past month I have started traveling down the path of my self-discovery journey.  I don't know that I would have had the courage to start this part of my journey without the encouragement of a gentle soul I am blessed to call a good friend.  He reminded me that it's ok to look to the past as long as it is only to see how far you have come.  Not long ago I promised him that I wouldn't flake out on him … that I would live in the moment towards my goals.  It's a concept that excites me ... and terrifies me.  The best way I know to thank him for believing in me is to keep the promise I made.

The past several days have been very emotional ones for me.  I began to unpack the bag that carried my deepest pain and heartache (you can read more about it here:  If I had known).  It felt very much like I was saying good-bye all over again and I was overwhelmed by the depth of the love that filled me, mixed with sadness.  I struggled to make sense of it all … This morning, as I was getting ready for work, I began contemplating the promise I had made … and then a conversation, real or imagined, began between my bully and me:

My bully:  "You have never made it past this point before, why bother trying?"

Me:  "Because I promised I would..."

My bully:  "This is going to be too hard for you.  Just give up … he won't know … there isn't anything special or unique about you and no one is going to care!!"

Me:  "SHUT UP!!!  I'll know.  I'm not going to talk to you any more..."

… I have been down this road far too many times, where my bully wins – today I found the courage to say "No" to the bully ...

Me:  "God, I have cried every night and most of each day for the past 5 days ... why?  What am I supposed to do with all of this?

Holy Spirit:  "Do you trust me?"

Me:  "Yes … it's just that it feels so heavy.  I've been praying for days for this to end, why won't you just take it away?"

Holy Spirit:  "Oh, child, I have bigger plans for you.  What feels so heavy now is laying the foundation for what is to come.  I see your tears, I know your heart.  Why are you holding on to this pain so tightly?"

Me:  "I have held it for so long, I don't know who I will be without it..."

Holy Spirit:  "Who do you think you are with it?"

Me:  "I guess I don't really know... I'm just scared by the thought of letting it go."

Holy Spirit:  "You feel everything so deeply because that is how I made you.  Why are you holding on to the pain in this bag so tightly?"

Me:  "Because I'm afraid that I will forget who he was and how he helped change my life if I let it go."

Holy Spirit:  "That is why you need to let it go.  While you hold this pain you are only remembering a fraction of who he was.  You can't live in the present if you continue to try to hold on to the past.  Haven't you carried this bag long enough?  Why don't you let me carry it for you?"

Me:  "Ok, Lord, I'm giving all of this to you.  The pain, the guilt, the fear … I'm giving it all to you ... Will I stop crying now?"

Holy Spirit:  "As long as you don't try to take that pain back again." 

Holy Spirit:  "You have a story to tell.  You heard a whisper while you were in the nursing home.  You heard a louder voice when your friend told you to write a book.  You heard it again from your pastor shortly after that.  Now, I need you to finish writing that story.  Don't think about it, just do it."

Me: “I remember … and … I will.”

I felt the weight begin to lift.  My devotional verse for today was Isaiah 43:19 Look! I’m doing a new thing; now it sprouts up; don’t you recognize it? I’m making a way in the desert, paths in the wilderness.  As I read it a wave of relief washed over me.  Even if I had imagined the whole conversation with the Holy Spirit, this verse seems to support the message I received.  Tonight, I was led to Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  These promises from God are the backbone of the promise I made.

I had heard a talk by Priscilla Shirer a while back that has stuck with me … The enemy attaches fear to where he doesn't want us to go or things he doesn’t want us to do – fears like obsessive worry, crippling anxiety, going to the 'worst case' scenario causing you to lose sleep.  It is an attack on God's people to stop us from doing what God needs us to do.  The book of Isaiah was very inspirational for me today!  Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I will live in the moment towards my goals.  It may continue to be a concept that both excites and terrifies me for a while … and that is ok, as long as I keep moving forward – because it terrifies me is exactly why I need to be doing it.