Today
I ran across a writing prompt that banged around in my mind like a super ball
that was bounced with a bit too much force.
"What would it be like to be in a tornado?" I use the word tornado to describe a number of
things, the way certain rooms in my house look at any given time, the chaos on
my desk and more often a mix of the swirling emotions and thoughts that I live
with almost daily. Very seldom do I use
the word tornado in relation to a natural disaster!
We
have all seen the devastation caused when a tornado touches down. I remember driving past the town of
Barneveld, WI after the June 8, 1984 F5 tornado took the lives of 9 people and
destroyed about 90 percent of the town.
I've never seen that kind of destruction, before or since. I was going to try to imagine what it would
be like to be in a weaker tornado, yet every time I started to write my mind
would shift to my ever swirling emotions … I guess some people call them mood
swings. I have always been highly emotional
and, while better able to control my expression of emotions now, I am still a
highly emotional person.
This
past December I wrote that I suspect that I am an empath. I had a meeting with my family doctor
yesterday to discuss a very long list of … I think I will call them 'quirks'
and I'm now waiting for a subsequent screening to be set up. When the time is right I'm sure I will share
more about that. Right now, though, I
want to focus on what the doctor's reaction was when I closed my list with
"and I think I am an empath".
He didn't hesitate before saying, most people who are wired differently
are able to pick up on things others can't, much like dogs do. WAIT, did he
just compare me with a dog? I love dogs
and, honestly, yeah, it is like that...
With the exception of my therapist, I have never felt as understood by a
physician as I did in that moment. I decided
to write about this emotional tornado because I experienced one today.
For
several weeks, I have been praying for a specific person and at one point,
without knowing what this person was experiencing, I asked God to allow me to
take on at least part of their pain, freeing them to cope with other aspects of
their situation. I have dealt with the
pain and darkness associated with depression throughout my life, and more
recently, the pain associated with injury and illness. I'm not saying that I am extraordinary in any
way, shape or form … I am saying that I am not afraid of it; that my faith was,
is and will always be, stronger than any darkness depression or injuries have thrown
at me. In retrospect, my prayer may have
been a lot on the impulsive side, I also think that God would not answer a
prayer He knew I was not able to ‘handle’, with His help … Please note that I
am not saying you should pray a similar prayer, I’m just sharing it because I
believe it provides context to what I experienced today. Today I felt several bursts of what I can
only describe as profound sadness throughout the day. These bursts seemed to come out of nowhere
and vanish as quickly … my mind would be tossed into chaos with thoughts that
made no sense. I had an image of train
cars being picked up from my thought tracks and being hurled at each other by
the wrath of Zeus. Each time the cars
would crash my tears would intensify, my stomach twisting tightly. Then the storm would abruptly stop as a
stillness settled over me. With each
storm, I felt increasingly drained, yet oddly energized. By the end of the day, though, I did not
think I could bear another storm. Was
this the answer to the prayers I have been sending up? Is this what the other peron has been
experiencing? The unceasing winds, swirling
raw emotions and tornado of thoughts all coming together as a dark and ominous
storm? As if in answer to my questions,
I heard a very faint, distant voice utter one word "Yes". I had only prayed for a part of their pain to
be transferred to me, I can scarcely fathom the intensity of that storm full
force. This experience humbles me.
That
I was able to work during these tornadoes and storms still puzzles me, but I
continued to work as though nothing was happening with my emotions. I wish I had answers … I wish I could say,
with complete certainty that my prayers for this person are being answered. I am leaning heavily on my faith that God
will answer my prayers, which will now include increased strength for my own
emotional stability to help me weather future storms that may come during this
healing process. I want to learn more
about how this empathic ability plays a part, as the thought had persisted
through each storm I experienced. If I
have this connection to feel what the other person feels, at least emotionally,
would it then be possible to use that same connection to help them cope with whatever
he/she may be facing?
I
am left with more questions than answers … but my goal with this writing was
not to find or provide answers. My goal
tonight was to describe what I think it is like to be in a tornado. Train cars being picked up from my thought
tracks and being hurled at each other by the wrath of Zeus and ending as
abruptly as it began.
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