Finding Peace while Overwhelmed

In 2014 I had begun the process of unpacking metaphorical baggage and leaving the past where it belongs, in the past.  At some point, I guess I stopped doing that and got comfortable.  Though imperceptible to me, the progress I had made began to unravel and old insecurities slowly returned.  Over the course of the past month I have started traveling down the path of my self-discovery journey.  I don't know that I would have had the courage to start this part of my journey without the encouragement of a gentle soul I am blessed to call a good friend.  He reminded me that it's ok to look to the past as long as it is only to see how far you have come.  Not long ago I promised him that I wouldn't flake out on him … that I would live in the moment towards my goals.  It's a concept that excites me ... and terrifies me.  The best way I know to thank him for believing in me is to keep the promise I made.

The past several days have been very emotional ones for me.  I began to unpack the bag that carried my deepest pain and heartache (you can read more about it here:  If I had known).  It felt very much like I was saying good-bye all over again and I was overwhelmed by the depth of the love that filled me, mixed with sadness.  I struggled to make sense of it all … This morning, as I was getting ready for work, I began contemplating the promise I had made … and then a conversation, real or imagined, began between my bully and me:

My bully:  "You have never made it past this point before, why bother trying?"

Me:  "Because I promised I would..."

My bully:  "This is going to be too hard for you.  Just give up … he won't know … there isn't anything special or unique about you and no one is going to care!!"

Me:  "SHUT UP!!!  I'll know.  I'm not going to talk to you any more..."

… I have been down this road far too many times, where my bully wins – today I found the courage to say "No" to the bully ...

Me:  "God, I have cried every night and most of each day for the past 5 days ... why?  What am I supposed to do with all of this?

Holy Spirit:  "Do you trust me?"

Me:  "Yes … it's just that it feels so heavy.  I've been praying for days for this to end, why won't you just take it away?"

Holy Spirit:  "Oh, child, I have bigger plans for you.  What feels so heavy now is laying the foundation for what is to come.  I see your tears, I know your heart.  Why are you holding on to this pain so tightly?"

Me:  "I have held it for so long, I don't know who I will be without it..."

Holy Spirit:  "Who do you think you are with it?"

Me:  "I guess I don't really know... I'm just scared by the thought of letting it go."

Holy Spirit:  "You feel everything so deeply because that is how I made you.  Why are you holding on to the pain in this bag so tightly?"

Me:  "Because I'm afraid that I will forget who he was and how he helped change my life if I let it go."

Holy Spirit:  "That is why you need to let it go.  While you hold this pain you are only remembering a fraction of who he was.  You can't live in the present if you continue to try to hold on to the past.  Haven't you carried this bag long enough?  Why don't you let me carry it for you?"

Me:  "Ok, Lord, I'm giving all of this to you.  The pain, the guilt, the fear … I'm giving it all to you ... Will I stop crying now?"

Holy Spirit:  "As long as you don't try to take that pain back again." 

Holy Spirit:  "You have a story to tell.  You heard a whisper while you were in the nursing home.  You heard a louder voice when your friend told you to write a book.  You heard it again from your pastor shortly after that.  Now, I need you to finish writing that story.  Don't think about it, just do it."

Me: “I remember … and … I will.”

I felt the weight begin to lift.  My devotional verse for today was Isaiah 43:19 Look! I’m doing a new thing; now it sprouts up; don’t you recognize it? I’m making a way in the desert, paths in the wilderness.  As I read it a wave of relief washed over me.  Even if I had imagined the whole conversation with the Holy Spirit, this verse seems to support the message I received.  Tonight, I was led to Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  These promises from God are the backbone of the promise I made.

I had heard a talk by Priscilla Shirer a while back that has stuck with me … The enemy attaches fear to where he doesn't want us to go or things he doesn’t want us to do – fears like obsessive worry, crippling anxiety, going to the 'worst case' scenario causing you to lose sleep.  It is an attack on God's people to stop us from doing what God needs us to do.  The book of Isaiah was very inspirational for me today!  Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I will live in the moment towards my goals.  It may continue to be a concept that both excites and terrifies me for a while … and that is ok, as long as I keep moving forward – because it terrifies me is exactly why I need to be doing it.