Beginning to date myself?? Seriously?

Originally published as a note on Facebook at 10/09/2014

Recently I read something that made me pause and ponder.  "If you were meeting yourself for the first time, would you like you enough to get to know you?"  Had I been asked this question back in March, I would have likely answered, rather emphatically, "No, I would not."  This really goes along with my thought that, at the time, I would have left me too.

This summer I spent time walking with myself along the river in our local park.  During these walks I would ask myself if I felt I was dateable (worthy of being dated) and then break down in tears because the whole experience of being suddenly alone and going through this divorce had shaken my self-confidence to the brink of non-existence.

I've spent a great deal of time rediscovering who I am, what I enjoy doing and reconnecting with God.  The process has not been easy, nor has it been exactly fun and it is far from over so, in the here and now, how would I answer that question?

I think I would answer "Yes, I would."  But what would that look like?  Where would I start?  I have taken myself out for lunch several times.  Lunch is easy because almost everyone I encounter is alone, just grabbing some grub between meetings…  The true test will be when I walk into a local restaurant after dark and ask for a table for 1 … Can I face the looks of pity with dignity and grace?  Possibly.  Assuming I can get past that step, what will I talk to myself about?  Anyone who knows me well is staring at the screen thinking "Woman, you talk to yourself all the time!  This is going to be a problem for you how???"  But seriously, think about this, I know all of my stories already.

I have conversations with myself every day.  How can I be a better friend?  How can I be a better mom?  Do single men who love God without reservation really exist?  How do I set my will aside in favor of following God's will?  What makes me smile?  What makes me cry?  What kind of features am I looking for in my next camera?  Where can I find an inexpensive piano and someone to deliver it to me?  Why do people driving faster than me seem to like hugging my bumper when they have the option to pass me??  Should I paint a spider web on my face this Halloween?  What subject should I write about next?

See, I know myself too well … I'm out of "getting to know me" questions.

So, now what?  Maybe I'll take myself to a movie instead…

Time heals all wounds?

Originally published as a note on Facebook at 10/01/2014

Time heals all wounds, right?  Isn’t that how the saying goes?  I beg to differ.  Time does nothing special … it just keeps moving.  I’ve been reviewing my past relationships, my life in general, and it has been filled with pain, tears, smiles, laughter, hope and even peace.  As I type, I am listening to Adele singing “Someone Like You” … when she sings “nothing compares, no worries or cares, regrets and mistakes, they are memories made” I am filled with a very odd calm.

It took the breakdown of my marriage to Scott for it to sink in just how truly sad I had been.  I knew, in my heart, that things in our marriage were not going right, but I refused to see it.  There was no violence, no anger and there was no lack of love, which seems really difficult to understand because “all you need is love” … but, in retrospect, it wasn’t the right “kind” of love that is vital to marriage.  It took months of therapy for me to recognize and admit that Scott and I were never truly married to each other.  We had signed a contract, started a family, but were never truly married.  In trying to fit the mold of who I thought I was supposed to be, I diverged so sharply from my own path that I lost sight of, well, of me.  I left God, He never left me.

When Scott finally told me that he thought we needed marriage counseling, I think I knew he had already made the decision to leave … and again, I refused to see it.  Shortly after we started therapy, it became painfully obvious that he intended for this to be separation counseling, to help me cope with the transition.  It was an incredibly thoughtful and sweet gesture, in retrospect.  Neither of us wanted our son to be hurt in this process.  Divorce is hard on everyone, but unless incredible care is given, no one suffers more than the children involved.

During this journey that began in late March, 2014, I have allowed myself to fully experience every emotion that hits me.  I’ve learned that this is the only way to be able to move past whatever the event is and begin the healing process.  My therapist continually makes it clear that she sees such grace in me.  At first I didn’t know what she meant by this, but I do understand it now … it’s not being graceful (I can trip over a leaf on the ground) … it is, however, about being able to forgive and continue to love people who have hurt you.

I’ve been married twice … it’s just a fact.  In both marriages, there was a great deal of pain, different kinds of pain, but pain none the less … I thought both marriages, ultimately, ended due to an affair.  But, honestly, both marriages ended because we didn’t know how to get past the pain of not feeling loved.  Forgiveness seems to come easily, though not always quickly, for me.  God has blessed me in amazing ways, and this is one of them.  While I’ve forgiven both of these men, and feel compassion for them, the lessons learned through each experience has taught me that I need to focus on what I DO want in my life, not what I DO NOT want in my life.

I started this writing by indicating that it isn’t time that heals all wounds … and, for me, this is very true.  It took God putting me in a galvanized trash can, closing the lid, saying “hold on child” and giving me a push down this hill for me to climb out of that trash can, look up and say “I’m listening now” … The lesson that I’ve learned, and I hope to never have to learn again, is that God heals all wounds.  That I need to stay true to my path, my truth, and not try to conform or be molded into what I’m not.

The hug that helped heal my heart (or how God works through others)

Originally published as a note on Facebook at 8/26/2014

 

Several weeks ago I was rather deep in the “depression” phase of grief.  During this time I finally experienced the true magnitude of loss I felt with Elton’s death.  This phase was intermixed with pain and guilt.  I couldn’t avoid any of it any longer and the guilt, or rather regret, of things left unsaid hit me like a truck.  As part of the self-discovery journey that I had begun in March, I allowed myself to fully experience this pain.  Those who have experience it understand, but if you are lucky enough to have never experienced it, I’m not sure that words can explain it.

As I worked through my regrets, I realized that the grief I was experiencing was not only for Elton’s death, but for the end our marriage** as well.  I made a promise to God & myself that I would stop holding back.  I would start telling people how they had positively impacted my life.  One evening I put that promise into action.  I expressed my appreciation for how I have been treated by a gentle man and felt compelled to hug him.  I’m a hugger, it’s what I do, but I didn’t expect the healing that I would experience through his hug.

During that hug I was overwhelmed by a sense of peace, acceptance and a tender compassion.  I felt as if God was telling me that it was ok for me to ‘let go’ of the guilt, pain and regrets.  I felt a warmth fill me as God began to heal my heart.  Additionally, it gave me insight into why I had felt sad for so many years, and helped me learn another major piece of my self-discovery puzzle. I doubt that this man was aware that God was using him as an instrument of healing, but I am beyond grateful that he is who he is.  And I thank God for working through him.

We need to remember that our words and actions will impact others, and we may never know that God is working through us.  Don’t be afraid to give a hug or a shoulder or just a hand to hold – we don’t have to go through whatever we are going through alone and God doesn’t want us to.

** please know that Scott and I still get along very well and are doing everything we can to ensure our child is secure in the knowledge that we both love him very much.  I filed for divorce in July and it should be finalized in late September.