Stick with me through this … I’m a HUGE fan of context and
backstory … I want to make sure you have as many pieces of the puzzle as
necessary to help make my ramblings make sense!
Recently the above picture appeared on my Facebook feed and
I was compelled to respond with “The fear of
rejection and judgement is crippling ... ... my silence is just another word
for my pain.” I then found myself
deep in a conversation with a dear friend, one for whom I have tremendous
respect. I don’t usually have this type
of conversation on my own wall, let alone that of a friend who has a multitude
of friends that I don’t know ~ and yet I was unable to detach myself from
it. I didn’t know where the conversation
was going to go, I just knew that I needed to stay engaged. Relationships can be a
challenging topic for me. The
conversation went something like this:
Me: “I'll just
keep being the kind of friend I want to have and let the chips fall where they
may ... if someone feels compelled to try to fix me or to walk away from me
when I have a mental meltdown, then that's what is going to happen ... I'm
still going to be the lovable sparkling me that I am.”
Him: “Which
is it though? Where are you? Are you the optimal version of you by your own
standards, or are you still working on that?”
Me: “I will
forever be a work in progress. I am a beautifully flawed human being ... I can
only give what I am right now, not what I aspire to be. When you look at me I
want you to feel the peace and love that I wish for you, to see the truly
marvelous person that I see you as. No, I will never reach that pinnacle ...
but I will do everything with what I currently have to let you know that you
are valuable and loved.”
Him: “You
use the words love and loved. What do those mean to you? Give me your
definition?”
Me: At this point my brain started to melt
because love does not have one specific meaning or definition for me – it was
in impossible task and not one size fits all – so I approached it from “what I
mean when I say ‘I love you’: “ ~~ “To me love means that I accept you exactly
as you are right now. It means that I will stand by you even when I don't agree
with you. It means that I will hold your hand when you are diagnosed with
cancer.... It means that I will sit with you and let you cry, or talk, without
(as much as possible) interrupting you or trying to stop you. Just a brief
sampling of what the word Love means to me.”
Him: ** I’m only going to provide the high level
concept here ** Enter the soup/fishing metaphors … She provides a very detailed
description of her favorite soup and he hears “Chicken Soup” when she thought
that she was really asking for “Tomato Soup” … he perfects his chicken soup
recipe and she blows a gasket … rinse & repeat … and we wonder why we wound
up with the wrong person … ultimately, the wrong bait is being used.
Me: “Interesting
... and thank you for both the soup and fishing analogies ... I do need to ask
if you are suggesting that you feel I, specifically, am using the wrong bait or
if that was just your generalized assessment of the human species as a whole? I
ask because this conversation has been primarily just you and I participating.”
If you picked up on a tone of defense,
you are not imagining it.
Him: “How
many times married?”
Me: Dear Lord, when did my general comment – made
primarily to express why people are afraid to be ‘painfully honest’ –become a deeply
personal conversation regarding my past relationships! By this time I realized that it was FAR too
late for me to make a graceful exit. I was
about to share information that would make me feel incredibly vulnerable and
exposed to the very judgement I mentioned at the beginning, yet I knew it was a
conversation that I needed to continue. “More accurately, how many times divorced?
Twice. Both very different types of men. Yes, I am the only common denominator
in both ... at no point have I indicated that I think myself perfect or that I
have this all figured out - because I am not and I don't. I am not who I once
was nor am I who I aspire to be.”
The Lord must have heard me because we continued
the conversation privately. My friend's perspective and insight into my ‘failed’ marriages was
something that I needed to read and to intentionally think on. He asked what my favorite hobbies are and
asked me to describe my joy & passion for the things I love to do. “Photography and writing allow
me to disconnect from the world around me yet be completely submerged in that
same world ... to capture the elegant beauty of a dew kissed leaf, either
through my lens or my written word”.
I wasn’t surprised when he came back with “You are a bard all the way. So...fish
in bard waters, and use bard bait. At some point...you will notice another bard
that fishes the same waters, and things will feel natural.” I’ve received similar advice from other sources, however he was
able to word it a way I was able to connect with.
In retrospect, I know that my first husband was, sadly, caught by my fishing in the wrong waters using wrong bait. When I met my second husband, I was in fishing in bard waters, using bard bait ... I just caught the wrong bard. As I have touched on in previous blog entries, I have no regrets about marrying either of these men. The experiences have helped shape me into the woman I am today.
I have spent the past few days contemplating
why … why photography … why writing. I’m
not passionate about them because I have a talent for them, rather I am
talented in them because I am passionate about them. It’s something that I probably already knew,
but had never given much serious thought to.
BUT, why do I feel passionate about them? This contemplation led to a revelation.
MY REVELATION
The last time I went out with friends I
almost didn’t … I kept thinking “No, it is just too … because … UGH … people.” I know that makes me sound like I am
completely anti-social … for a while I honestly thought that I was, perhaps,
agoraphobic. I have finally started to
wrap my head around why I am this way.
Let’s start with my extroverted introvert
nature. An oxymoron, kind of like “Jumbo
Shrimp”!! I drag my feet when asked to
go out with friends, often having to talk myself into going. Once I am out I usually have a blast and
truly enjoy laughing and catching up with my friends. And I can turn around and spend the next two
weeks at home doing what I do – sorting photos, writing stuff that I will never
publish, spending time with my child and be every bit as happy as I was the
night I spent laughing with friends.
This concept has been really easy for me to comprehend.
The second factor is more complicated and
has been much harder for me to come to terms with and even harder for me to explain
without sounding like I’m a complete nut case!
6 years ago a friend, who was living with us at the time, approached me
and said “You are an empath and someday you will accept it” … To say my
reaction was one of skepticism is a bit of an understatement. During this recent period of contemplation it
struck me and I finally was able to see what she was able to see. ((That I am aware, there is really no
scientific evidence that supports my theory or what I think I experience …
however it can’t proven that ghosts are real and I believe they are … this is
by no means a scientific article of any sort.))
This is MY experience, nothing more and nothing less.
Ok, here we go … I don’t just see people … I don’t
just sense them around me … I subconsciously feel them, well, their
energies. I am sensitive to their emotions,
their stress, their tension, their fear and frustration. I am sensitive to their sadness and sorrow
and, when I am REALLY lucky, their joy. I then, unknowingly, take these emotions on as my own. I mean, it’s not like I walk through the mall and
think “She’s angry” … “He’s lonely” … “She’s sad” … “He’s happy” – I am in my
own little world, focused on why I’m there while trying to avoid people and
then, WHAM, I want to stop and cry, or just shut down, looking for the nearest
exit.
When I say “I feel your pain” I usually I
mean that I’ve been through what you are going through and I understand how you
feel (empathy), yet there are other times when I can’t possibly understand what
you are going through or how you feel, but I feel it none the less (empathic). Those empathic moments affect me more so I
disconnect. I will hide in a quiet, dark
corner away from people, furiously writing in my journal. Or I will hide behind my camera …
disconnected yet fully submerged. It
soothes my soul to capture the delicate adornment of the sun’s light sparkling through
a rain drop hanging off a blade of grass.
This very real need to disconnect creates in me the passion that fuels
the talent.
I audibly let out a sigh of relief when I
figured all of this out. I had struggled
with something since 2010, back when my friend and her kids lived with us. I could never understand why I would almost instantly
feel anxious and frustrated when I got home after work. For the longest time I thought it was because
I was a horrible friend and the extra chaos and noise the kids brought into my
quiet life was just too much for me to handle - and yes, that may well have
contributed to it - but when I look back I only felt like that when the kid’s
mom was incredibly frustrated. She went
to great lengths to hide that frustration from me, but now I understand that it
still registered in my subconscious and suddenly it was my frustration as well. Now I understand that if I start feeling an
emotion with absolutely no provocation, I need to consider if this is truly my
emotion or if I need to decompress before it gets out of hand. I wish I could rewind time, armed with this
new found knowledge, and be a much kinder friend. Alas, that is not possible, so I can only go
forward and try to be kind ~ always.
This leads me back to my definition of
love. His question surfaced in one of my
dreams, so I knew that I needed to push myself more … what does love mean to
me? I can only hope that I remember this
the next time I’m asked … but when I use the word love, that one word
encapsulates gentleness, patience, kindness, compassion, humility, forgiveness,
trust, honesty, protection, hope. So, in
closing, when you look into my eyes I want each of these to be reflected back
to you. In this pursuit I am, indeed,
relentless.
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