Let's talk about shame...

Not a very glamorous subject, but one that is necessary for me to begin talking about and sharing.  Shame is much different from guilt.  Guilt tells me that I have done something wrong.  Shame tells me that I am something wrong.

During this writing I will bring up times in my life that include other people.  I will not use names and the point of this message is NOT to call them out for any wrong they may have done.  No, the point of this message is about me and my journey through this issue.

I grew up hearing dumb blonde jokes.  With each joke I heard, the feeling that the jokes were being directed AT me rather than TO me grew stronger.  At some point, I became determined to never be considered dumb, by anyone.  I read dictionaries for fun, I used big fancy words correctly because it made me sound and feel smart.  I eventually learned that people felt I was ‘showing off’ or that I thought I was somehow better than them because of the way I talked when I was around them … I unintentionally hurt the feelings of people I cared about because I never wanted to be the punch line of those jokes.

On top of the blonde jokes I have also struggled with weight most of my life.  When I was a freshman in high school we were weighed in gym class and the number was called out … I was mortified to have my weight announced.  It’s not like you can hide the fact that you are fat – it’s out there for the world to see, but now my friends had a number to go along with my physical appearance.  My friends or family members were not mean about it.  The things that were done and said came from a place of concern and love for me, but that is not how it made me feel.  Every comment about portion size or posture made me feel like I nothing I did would ever be enough.

Somewhere during the years between my freshman and senior year I got it stuck in my head that no man would ever think I’m beautiful because of my weight.  I didn’t feel I could attract a guy with my brains because the way I had tried to prove I was smart wound up hurting the feelings of others and I certainly didn’t want to intimidate potential dates.  By the time I was a senior, the only thing I could think to do was to make myself look more beautiful by not eating to shed the ugly fat.  I would tell my folks that I ate a big lunch to explain why I wasn’t eating dinner, when in fact all I may have eaten was an orange, small dish of cottage cheese and possible a saltine or two.  Instead of eating I would go for a run. 

By the time I turned eighteen a concerned teacher had approached my parents because of how thin and pale I looked.  I thought I looked thin and beautiful, they thought I looked gaunt and ill.  After a long talk with my dad and learning more about anorexia, to avoid being hospitalized I was compelled to begin eating a ‘normal’ amount of food again … and pound by pound that weight came back. 

During my junior and senior years I began to date … more than once the guy I was dating at the time ended things because I wouldn’t have sex.  One of those guys actually ended things because HE didn’t want to have sex and thought things were moving too fast (very mature of him, in retrospect).  But, looking back this was when the first shades of shame really began to take root.  After graduating I started working my way through college.  I started dating more and discovered some of the joys and heartache of sex, but was very young and naïve. 

I started dating one man and committed myself to him fully … I was in love with him.  He wanted to be with me even though I had gained all the weight back, plus some.  The first time I said no and he took what he wanted anyway under the guise of “you would if you love me”, it set the tone for the rest of our relationship.  After getting married it happened more and more frequently … and then pornographic movies were added to the mix.  I was constantly compared to the women in these movies and as his wife, it was my duty to perform the acts these movies portrayed … or so I was led to believe.  I eventually got to a point that I could not stand to be touched, I felt beyond dirty and broken.  I went to great lengths to avoid being home at the same time he was home.  Eventually he had an affair but as messed up as our relationship had been I fought to keep the marriage together for nearly a year before finally admitting it was over and filed for divorce.

I felt such deep shame, for such a long time, because I was convinced that the things that happened during those 7 years happened because there was something wrong with me.

God’s desire was not for us to be alone.  Genesis 2:18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”

During my therapy sessions after the end of my second marriage my therapist had me write out a list of the attributes that I value in a partner, in no particular order. Then she had me review my list and identify the top 5 attributes and rank them in order of importance. These are my core values and they should be non-negotiable in my future relationships.

Through this exercise I clearly saw a pattern in my previous relationships with men that causes me to lose my path … these relationships have all been based on sexual attraction rather than a spiritual attraction.  It wasn’t until recently that I started to uncover the truth about shame and the basic fact is that the things that happened in my past are not WHO I am, but rather they are simply things that happened.

Delving into the feelings of shame to uncover them and address them has been hard … in the past I didn't even see the pattern … Can I call this progress?? It hurts and it sucks and I don't like feeling like this… but if it helps me along my journey, then I have to embrace it, experience it, learn from it, forgive it and then finally LET IT GO …

Each tear I've shed has caused me to lean even more heavily on God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I've started to re-examine my priorities and am starting down my path again, this time with the support of a wonderful group of women who may or may not understand my journey, but offer me a great deal of support. I talk about grace a lot because God blessed me with the gift of His Grace. His Grace is how I could let go of the bitter disappointments of broken marriages and relationships and to continue to love my former partners. His Grace is why I refuse to give up hope that each of us will find the warmth and love of a life mate in our human existence. Maybe I'm sharing this with you as a way of being accountable for my choices … Maybe you need to know that you are not alone in your journey … I know I have more questions than answers and I have to be ok with that.

Have you ever heard the song "The Proof of Your Love" by for King & Country … 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 ¹ If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. ²If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing. ^3-7If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.… this has nothing to do with romance, it is about the pure, unconditional, unfiltered love that God offers each of us through His Grace.

It took me 20 years to get to this point, but I have finally reached a point where I can forgive myself, forgive my first husband and forgive the events during those 7 years.  I am no longer willing to carry the baggage of shame around with me. Here’s the thing about shame … Jesus took on my shame to release me, to redeem me.  God already knows my story, He has seen my movie and He loves me as I am.  I am the beloved daughter of the King of Kings.